Water still running under the bridge

I left out my blog more than a year ago, at the time that Claire and I made a pact. That for one year, I would stop pressuring her on the D/s front, and let her live out a burning fantasy of hers, with no questions asked. This is an update on the situation…

Since I’ve known her, Claire has always been flirtatious (and God knows how irresistible she can be). But she had always stayed on the safe side, never allowing herself to go too far and cheat on me. I was okay with it. We would talk about it from time to time. I always trusted her, and thought that if she ever crossed the line, I would somehow know. With my talks of D/s, I opened a door and she put her foot into it. Her desire was to explore “past the point of no return”.

We stopped talking much about D/s. Our sex life still in limbo, she started going out more often. I didn’t think too much about it. I doubted that she would follow through. That is, until one day when she told me that she was going to stay overnight at a friend’s house. Her nervousness was making her a bit clumsy (which I found kind of cute), and I immediately knew what that meant.

At first, I was excited, but the bitterness eventually overcame the sweetness. I guess a real power exchange and the communication of intent that goes with it were just missing. It was awkward. I felt lonely and vulnerable. Still, I did not confront her. I bit my tongue and stayed true to my word. Several weeks later, on Valentine’s Day, we went out and had a deeply emotional heart to heart conversations. Breaking down in tears, she admitted to several “escapades” ending up with extra-marital sex, but confessed that it had been meaningless and that it had, in fact, been disappointing. I reassured her that it was all right, and that I was in fact proud of her for getting out of her comfort zone in the pursuit of her own pleasure and happiness. It was sincere and heartfelt.

Our pact was still good for several months, so nothing changed on that front. I just felt much better about it. I started a journal - really more a series of letters - that I have shared with her since then. There were ups and downs following that night, but we reached the anniversary of our pact fairly uneventfully.

Early in August, we had another one of these deeply intimate conversations. I was again in a very submissive mood (it had been kind of on and off lately). I brought the topic of her sexual freedom back on the table. I told her that, since our pact had expired, I expected her to stop seeking outside relationships. To my total surprise, she asked if we could instead make the arrangement permanent. She explained that she was passed the straying phase, such as having meaningless sex with men she does not care about. She had scratched that itch, and was no longer into that. But she also said that she had learned something about herself. She believed that she could connect emotionally with more than one man at a time, and if that ever occurred, she wanted the right to explore further.

How could a man like me refuse such a request? Basically, she was asking for the privilege to cuckold me at whim! (She adamantly reiterated that this right was to remain her exclusivity.)The lack of drama contrasted so much with last year’s situation. Claire was calm and respectful. She didn’t take it for granted that I would say yes, but it wasn’t a plea either. The surreal (“weird” she said) character of the situation did not escape her, and yet she was comfortable with it, even amused. I realized then how much we had come along. It was a good feeling. Of course, I agreed to it, but only if she was open about it. As I told her, I don’t want her to have a double life, parallel to ours. That, to me, would be cheating. If she finds herself too ashamed to tell me about something she’s done, then she should not do it in the first place. I also requested a favor of my own. I asked Claire to control my orgasms. There is so much to say about the topic of tease and denial, I am sure I will write more about it. Suffice it to say, I consider it critical to the long-term sustainability of my submission. Saying that she was less than enthused by my request would be an understatement. But she did not blow me off either (like in the past), so I consider it a victory.

That’s pretty much where we are on our journey. D/s has definitely encroached our lives. Claire now owns me, which is a fact that none of us disputes (she is adamant about it). I do most of the household chores (I consider them my basic responsibility, but she helps me a lot), I worship her in many small ways throughout the day, she is sexually free (if she wants it), while I depend on her for my own relief. Publicly, Claire is more assertive than ever, and frequently hints at our lifestyle. She does it respectfully and with humor, and I play along. We love it. Claire has benefited tremendously on a personal level, and enjoys her sexuality much more than in the past. Our struggle is to rekindle sexually as a couple. None of us wants to resume it the way it was before. To some it may seem strange that Claire seeks sex outside of the marriage, but not within, but it’s not that simple. I can’t really explain it because I don’t fully understand what’s happening in her mind. What I know is that Claire is opening up to the ideas I promote. She has already benefited from our new lifestyle in very personal ways, and that has helped gain her respect. My instinct tells me to be patient and allow her to heal and process the changes at her own pace. I put her through a lot this past year, and she has come a long way, so I am very hopeful.

Open Marriage?

I thought i had a plan to bring FemDom to my relationship with Claire. You know, the "Around Her Finger" approach... Start slowly, help with the chores, little acts of worship, words of adoration... The whole thing becoming more and more obvious as She gets to enjoy a more dominant role, until it catches fire and takes a life of its own. Well, things are not exactly going in that direction. Here are the latest developments.

Claire and i had a heart to heart conversation last week. It was brought by the fact that, though i have been trying these past few months to tackle a lot of the problems She has been complaining about, the more i try, the more i feel She shuts down on me. I was ready to give this experience all the time it needed, but with things going in the wrong direction, i thought that i needed to express my concerns.

We both realize that the way O/our marriage is right now is not sustainable. As the days, weeks and months pass by, i find myself reaching the end of my rope. I love my Wife today more than i ever did in the past. Almost all of my thoughts these last 3 months have been towards rebuilding O/our intimacy, with a D/s lifestyle as the framework. I believe it would suit U/us perfectly, and i am as ready as i will ever be to start the adventure. I have tried to communicate these feelings to Claire, but met the resistance i talked about in previous posts. Claire gave me reasons for her reluctance, mainly the fact that She was trying to resolve personal issues, and that turning O/our lifestyle around right at this juncture would not be helpful. Based on everything W/we discussed together, i really should just accept to wait and be patient. But i have never been satisfied with that conclusion. I always sensed that when Claire and i are together, there is an elephant in the room. In the last few months, She has become increasingly distant. I thought that demonstrating my submissive side to Her would open Her up a little bit, but it has done the opposite.

So what is happening? I still have many questions, but i had a peek inside Claire's mind like never before. Here is what i could gather. For Claire, there is more at stake than O/our relationship. She is in a place and time where, for the first time in Her life, She feels empowered to make choices for Herself. To understand how vital this is for Her, one has to realize how unhappy her childhood was, raised by a mythomaniac and narcissistic mother. Up to this day, She has lived under the cloud of this monster, with her relentless negativity and manipulations. As a teenager, Claire tried to escape that constant, grinding abuse, only to fall into the hands of abusive partners (one in particular), which ended up reinforcing Her mother's nefarious control. This was terribly unfortunate for Claire, because it broke Her spirit and made Her feel very isolated. The low point in Her life was reached about 10 years ago, at the time that W/we rekindled O/our interest in each other. Claire was trapped in a bad marriage, in a place She did not like, with no future and no support.

Since then, W/we fell in love, She divorced, W/we got married and had O/our children, and things have steadily improved for Claire. Over the years, O/our relationship slowly shifted, to the point where today Her career is privileged and i have become more of a helpmate. One could say that the stars have aligned over Claire's sky, and She feels it is now or never time to try to win over Her demons.

So what are W/we dealing with? For months (long before my submissive awakening), i had been trying to penetrate Claire's mind. I could sense that She was at odds with me. She was distressed and had shut down on me. The idea that She could be having an affair crossed my mind. Still, i know Her well, and i could not believe She would be able to hide that from me. (She is not the best of liars!) Regularly, i would press Her to tell me what was on Her mind, letting Her know that i would support Her no matter what. She would always come up with sibylline answers, such as that it would hurt me if She told me. I did not mind to be hurt (i am a bit of a masochist), as long as it was something that would shake things up, and untangle U/us from the stalemate. It's when i introduced the idea of D/s that something clicked. In one of O/our early conversation, i said that i was aware i could not meet all of Her needs. When She heard that (it was over the phone), Her voice brightened and She said that yes, it was true that She had insatiable needs. When i said that i wanted to be Her servant, She said that She might need more than one servant, and asked me if i could accept that. I hesitated a bit, but agreed that yes, there were ways i could see it working. We talked more in the following days, but She seemed to be very confused about the whole thing. She could not understand me well, and that's when i felt She was becoming more and more reserved, and i thought i needed to be more patient. I left it at that, and W/we stopped talking about this particular subject.

That is, until last week's conversation. Turns out, it's been on Claire's mind for months. Here is my take on it. Claire is in a fight to get to the root of Her insatisfaction in life. It's a personal journey from which i am excluded. She has to do it alone. A stable and secure marriage, along with a growing (though still very shaky) confidence, has made Her reached a point where She is ready to confront Her fears and explore Her desires. A D/s lifestyle would be a wonderful arena for this, but it's too intellectual for Her at the moment. Claire is not a thinker, She is a doer, and Her immediate urges are too primal to be satisfied that way. She senses Her growing power, and She fantasizes about testing it on men. Our marriage is not the right place for that, though the irony of course is that She needs the security it confers to begin Her emancipation. She is aware how unfair it is to me, hence Her dilemma, not to mention Her guilt. But with my talks of D/s, i opened a door, and She has put Her foot in it. I don't think She knows what to expect. She just wants to experiment. She has always been flirtatious, and even got in some problematic situations because of it, but She always stopped before it led to something serious. At 30 something, She wants to cross that line and see what's on the other side. She wants to do it for Herself, without having to account for it to anybody. As She says, perhaps it's just something that She needs to get out of Her system. Or perhaps it's who She is. Neither of U/us knows for sure, but She feels that She must go through that experience and find out.

As far as i am concerned, i cannot say that i am really upset, nor jealous. Not even that surprised (i have not forgotten how W/we started together). I wanted to shake things up, and at least i got a reaction from Her. I came to the conclusion that all i can do is support Her, and give Her the freedom She needs. I want to focus on the big picture, which is Claire's happiness and the long-term prospect of O/our relationship. Practically, W/we decided to let the experience run its course (on Her end only -- She insisted on it) for a period of at least one year. After that, W/we will revisit the question, and see where W/we go from there. Part of me is anxious, because i am thinking that this could be the beginning of the end for U/us. I am also concerned about Her safety and Her emotional well being. My submissive buttons are pushed by the greed and selfishness She displays, which turns me on. The worst outcome would be that W/we find O/ourselves at the end of the year in the exact same situation in which W/we are right now. At the opposite of the spectrum, is the possibility that O/our marriage spins out of control and Claire decides to leave me for someone else. No doubt that would be tough for both of U/us. Knowing Her, She would agonize over such a choice. But that's okay. As they say, "the truth shall set us free". Assuming She is happier that way, i will always have the consolation of having made that possible, and i know W/we would always have a very special relationship. There are plenty of other possibilities within those two extremes, and i just don't want to speculate. Our decision is the right one for U/us, at this juncture in O/our life. We have made a pact and i think that W/we are both comfortable with it. Time will tell how it turns out.

No hard limits, but...

What do i want from my Domina? What are my limits? I hate the idea of sitting down with Claire to make a list of things i would go along with, and others that would be off limits. I see D/s as a venture into the unknown. I don't want to chart the territory before hand. That said, i am conflicted between my desire to let Her totally control me, and the necessity to safeguard myself from a situation where i would not feel confident and comfortable serving Her. It's not so much one particular type of activity that i want to protect myself against, but rather a kind of servitude that would generate more distress than happiness. Reading about other people's experiences, in blogs or on Web sites, only causes me to be more cautious. (Quite frankly, there are times when i really feel sorry for the men portrayed. Their proclaimed happiness sounds more like denial to me.)

So what is it that Claire would need to prevent O/our experience from getting out of control? I am still very keen on leaving the door open for any type of experience that Claire would like to introduce. That said, i want Her to know that She is not entitled to my submission just by the grace of God. The reciprocal is true as well. The way i see it, W/e both have to earn each other's gift. We are partners in this journey, equal in a way, but each with a very distinct (and opposite) role. She is to lead, i am to follow. She is to command, i am to obey. It could not be clearer than that. No ifs, no buts. I do want the loss of control to be real and unconditional. In my dream FemDom, there is a place for denial, discipline, punishment or humiliation. But I want it to be for a higher purpose than just pampering a loveable Woman, and catering to Her every whim. I want Claire to keep impressing me, even after She realizes that She can make me do anything She wants. There is a component of admiration in what fuels my submissiveness to Her. If Her actions make me lose respect or esteem for Her, then my motivation to submit will evaporate, and it won't work.

No regrets

I once read something like "I'd rather have remorse than regrets". This motto is a bit confusing because remorse and regret are often used interchangeably. According to the definition of the two words, "remorse" is a feeling of deep regret for past misdeeds, whereas "regret" is, among other things, a feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different. That is how i understood the saying. Feeling remorse means we have done something, and we are distressed about it. Feeling regrets implies we have NOT done something, but wish we had.

I want this lifestyle. I am tired of the compromises i keep making to keep a semblance of 50/50 relationship. I know that D/s is very tough and demanding. The little voice inside of me keeps warning me that, perhaps, i should beware of what i wish for. Yet, i can't imagine growing old without at least trying. Claire is still reluctant to step up, but She already told me that i was playing with fire. That motivates me even more. I seem to have no considerations for the risks this journey entails. Perhaps it is because i know that the risks of not doing it are even greater. I know Claire very well, yet i can't predict what kind of Domina She would become. In fact, i try not to. What i mostly want is for Her to be Her, with the same intensity and depth of emotions that She displayed early in O/our relationship. If there is anything that i have learned so far in this journey, it is how much i rely on the memory of O/our first couple of years together to keep the flame alive. I think that i could adapt to any style of F/m relationship She wants to build, as long as i feel that She is expressing Her genuine desires and aspirations, and does not hold anything back. If it fails, then i will always be able to say "I'd rather have remorse than regrets".

Why do i submit

Lady Clarance's introspection into her husband reasons to submit led me to these thoughts...

My submissive awakening came at a low point in my marriage. My Wife (i will call Her Claire from now on) and i have never stopped loving each other, but the passion was essentially gone. Nothing much was happening between U/us on an emotional basis. W/we had pulled back from each other. It was nobody's fault in particular. By and large, this was the result of a slow process of erosion, with small letdowns and disappointments throughout the years that lead to U/us to retreat in O/our shells. This became sadly apparent when, early this year, Claire was struck by a sudden illness and escaped death by a hair. I was there for Her materially and logistically, but not emotionally. There was an awkward and painful void that W/we both felt, and it disturbed U/us. Months went by after that incident, and then i had that epiphany i talked about earlier. If i were religious (okay, i am), i would think that Her illness could have been an act of God to help open my eyes. (In fact, there is a lot about O/our relationship that i sometimes find was "meant to be", but that's a different subject.)

Submissiveness is not a choice per se. In the presence of Loving Female Authority, my natural inclination is to bow and submit. I literally want to drop down on my knees. That is what i am drawn to do, not necessarily what i did. Coming out and accepting who i was, with all the consequences that it entails, was not an easy task. We submissives can hide our proclivity, and many (most?) in fact do. Some may even be very successful at it. (I was not.) But for me, the important trigger is the presence of LFA. I do not feel submissive at all without it. LFA encompasses all these characteristics of Womanhood that i need in a Domina: the loving and caring, the Female sensuality, and the sense of confidence, authority and control. That package can come in many different personalities, but they all must be present to trigger my desire for submission.

For submissive men like me, LFA becomes almost irresistible once it is identified. When we do manage to resist it, it is at tremendous personal cost. We suddenly feel like we are completely missing on life, and it creates a sense of urgency. We are acutely aware of the vulnerability and the danger to our self-esteem that we face, should we come out, but it becomes a matter of emotional survival, and we really don't have much choice. It takes time to reach that point, and a lot of maturity.

In O/our case, i think that all of that was playing a role from the very beginning of O/our relationship. It just took 10 years to become apparent. With the conscience of everything that is at play, as well as the maturity that almost 40 years confer, comes the possibility to make clear and informed choices. I think that D/s appeals most to emotional people, who have a sense of adventure and can tolerate risks, and who have the intellectual capacity to reflect upon their experience. I find that introspection essential to the enjoyment of the experience. I also like the fact that D/s gives a direction to the relationship, yet do not tell U/us where it is going to lead. It provides a somewhat adventurous and playful context in which W/we can build intimacy without the common obstacles of vanilla relationships (shame, guilt, lack of trust, poor communication, etc.). It allows U/us to go much deeper into the intimate experience, and encounter emotions impossible to fathom in a vanilla relationship. Some of these emotions can be disturbing and unsettling, and this is where a genuine and uncompromising love is essential on the part of the Domina (the submissive's love is a given at that point). It is our lifeline, the only thing that we can hang on to when we are the most vulnerable.

Expectation Theory

A while ago, I read a book titled "Think Like a Winner". The book was actually better than the title suggests. One of the ideas that stayed with me was the link between the way we think and our success in life. The author calls it "the expectation theory". It goes as follows:

When we change our thinking, we change our beliefs;
When we change our beliefs, we change our expectations;
When we change our expectations, we change our attitude;
When we change our attitude, we change our behavior;
When we change our behavior, we change our performance;
When we change our performance, we change our life.

I thought this was a simple but powerful idea. Often we know we need to change something in our life, because we realize that things are not working for us the way we would like them to. Sometimes, we can even point to a particular flaw in our character or behavior, that we hate and would like to "fix", thinking that things would improve as a result. It often fails because by simply working at the level we want to improve, we ignore the thought process that lead us there in the first place. The flawed thinking keeps undermining us, eventually dooming our efforts.

Personally, I can think of many things like that in my life. For example, one of the things I hated about myself was my inability to stand up to my wife. I used to see it as a weakness in my character. My disappointment was targeted at my behavior, but I rarely tried to tackle the problem at that level (e.g., by picking up a fight). Instead, I would modify my attitude (adopt a passive/aggressive stance, procrastinate, etc.) or even my expectations (find excuses for why things were that way). Those tactics would bring some relief, but it would always be short lived.

So, in light of the expectation theory, I started to wonder about what was really happening in my mind. Here is a plausible explanation. My behavior was really the result of two conflicting core beliefs. One belief was that men and women are equal, and that equality should be reflected in their relationships: conflicts should be negotiated, decisions should be consensual, exchanges should be reciprocal, etc. That belief had created expectations of fairness, reciprocity, dialogue, etc. The other belief was in Female Authority, which was weakening my knees in the presence of dominant Women.

The belief in equality was particularly relevant to me because I witnessed the failure of my parents relationship, and was determined not to make the same mistakes. I desired a more fair and balanced marriage. I thought that was the ticket. FA, on the other hand, was completely emotional. By and large, I was not conscious of the deeply seated desires it was causing in me. Maybe it is because my rational thoughts have always had (at least until now) a tendency to prevail. I don't think it is the result of trauma, or anything negative in my upbringing. It is a beautiful and worthy concept, a great source of emotions and passion, and it enriches my life. Should I work on my thinking, and successfully get it out of my system, I would feel a tremendous and irreplaceable sense of loss.

In the end, I chose that the belief is equality had to go. Between these two beliefs, it really was not a fair fight.

Setback

Last week, my dream of turning my marriage around took a serious blow. Hopefully, it won't be a mortal one. My wife let me know that She was not in a position to work on "our issues" while She was, at the same time, working on "Her issues". She told me that She needed time, without pressure, to first try to solve Her personal problems on Her own. She said that once she gets there, then we can start contemplating changes in the relationship. I tried to make the case that perhaps some of these changes could help in Her pursuit, but She was adamant that She needed to do it on Her own.

This was of course not what i wanted to hear. Since uncovering my true nature, that of a submissive man wanting nothing more than to serve the woman he loves and admires, i have been in a state of constant elation, not to mention horniness. I have not felt so infatuated since the early days of our relationship. I don't want to give that up. However, i believed Her when She said that She was overwhelmed right now, and that this was too much, too quickly. We need to pace ourselves, and build our future step by step. Right now, that means concentrating on Her personal efforts. I certainly want to see Her better in control of Her sexuality. A key to making F/m work is, i believe, the harnessing of the male's sexual drive by the female. Though the outlet for that energy must not necessarily be sexual, it surely helps if She can sometimes offer one, and enjoy it!

In truth, sexual servitude is essential for me. As much as i like to think of myself as Her slave, the fact is that i am not. I don't mind (and in fact relish the prospect of) being tested and challenged. I do want to be pushed to my limits. I am submissive at my core, and want to feel owned and used, but in the end, there is a personal aspect to this journey too. Through my submission, i want to find myself. And i need Her for that, comfortable in Her dominant role, and confidently in charge. My wife is not there yet, and i should help Her get there first.